In struggle, I rise

I learn something new about myself every day. Whether it's in the middle of a training session, brain storming with my general manager, speaking openly to my father, discussing finances with my mother, or taking a joke too far with a friend, I discover a little more about myself and my fears each and every day.

That is what life is all about. Through it's evolving doors, immense experiences, and the seasons of change, there's a lesson either hidden behind closed doors or smacking me directly on the face. Most of the time I am open and in understanding of the lesson, always there to make me better at my job and to become a better person. But there are those moments that will leave me a bit breathless, questioning of my internal self, maybe even a little ashamed of what may have come out of my mouth or what I deeply wish for that may not be anything I should tell my parents.

Individual experiences and distinct moments have contributed to who I am and most importantly to how I act. Past relationships, my parent's divorce, the nervous twitch I use to have for six years in my right shoulder, these are the most poignant moments that I will admit have caused a small amount of vulnerability and fear that will reveal its self at stressful and emotional times. This person I am not the most proud of. This person, I will admit, scares me, for I do not want to be controlled by my fear, nor do I want vulnerability to cause an inability to remain calm and composed.

My father taught me that character is not just revealed in good times. He told me character will be tested in the worse of times. The greatest lesson I have learned from him is that it's not just the good runs that show you how strong you are, but it's the runs that hurt all over that truly reveal the strength of an athlete. He use to tell me that the runs that make you doubt your endurance and capabilities the most are the ones you should keep track of and revisit the course of.

I haven't been able to run since the second week of October due to a stressed left hip and bursitis in the left knee. It has been a tremendous loss for me. Now that I am in the gym for many hours a day, I crave running with great passion and a tremendous and unbearable fervor. A run was my chance to step outside of the gym and explore the downtown streets of Austin. Forty minutes was all I needed to filter through my client's sessions or a rough spot my significant other and I were going through. Running enabled me to release self-doubt, internal fear, shame, and embarrassment. A simple run would answer the questions I made myself sick over when speaking with my mother or listening to my sister speak of her troubles in the Air Force. Running is where I use to develop particular strength programs that have advanced several clients. And it was running that would take a very hard day or a really bad fight with a loved one and make it relatively managable and help me forgive myself.

Without running, that person that responds to stress and fear, that person I am a bit ashamed of, is more likely to unravel in hard times. Without an afternoon run in the city, I find myself holding everything in, and then, regrettably, at the most inopportune moments, the bottled up fear and stress will be lashed out on the one person you didn't want to ever see the dark side of you.

This is life though. I might run into the evolving doors. Certain experiences will leave me bruised and sad. Change will frustrate me and cause deep irritation and instill fear that I cannot escape nor explain. Past experiences of people making fun of me and the twith will at times cause me to take it all too personal and respond back viciously to a comment made only to poke good fun at a stressful situation.

My struggle now, without the ability to run, is how do I filter the experiences of the day and life's most pertinent questions? How do I release the stress and fear that clutter my head and ache my shoulders? How do I not take it all too personal and allow for one unexpected detour or obstacle unravel my composure?

I do understand that it is the hard runs that will challenge my character, my integrity, and my deep internal strength. It will be the runs that you just don't want to finish that will make you not only stronger, but more respectable. It will be the runs that you cannot catch your breath on that will enable you to find peace within the chaos.

Without lacing up my running shoes I have still been able to experience the fatigue in my legs and the weakness in my mind. I have been breathless and I have begged to just turn around and begin the race another day when I am more rested and tolerable.

Struggle in full force, maybe now its the memories of the good runs that will bring peace to my heart, strength to my mind, and energy to my legs when it seems like all I can do is focus on the struggle. The runs that begin with the smell of downtown at rush hour when coffee is brewing at every corner of the city. The runs that give me inspiration when I see a pack of runners on Riverside working together to push through the wind. The afternoon runs where the sun shining off the lake at the Congress Bridge happily reminds me of why I live in Austin. The runs that make me feel like I was actually born to run and that it is my soul mission to lift my knees high and to kick my butt strong. And most importantly, the runs that had started off in struggle but ended in victory and triumph.