When I open my closet every day the first thing I see is my running shoes. They look too clean. The laces are loose and still tucked in under the tongue of the shoe. They are in the same place every day, untouched, unaffected by the daily chaos that takes place in a woman's closet. I have contemplated moving them to the back so I could not see them. I have also thought of putting them in my storage closet so I would not think of using them. Each day as I open my closet they sit in the same place, painfully inviting, a constant reminder of my recommended prescribed time off due to an inflamed knee and sore hip.
Wednesday the air was cool. The sun shined brightly. And the wind blew briskly. It was my perfect day to run. Cool enough to wear my Nike running tights that are only used a few times of the year. Warm enough to only wear a t-shirt, enabling the cool air to get right under your skin and invigorate your soul. I stood at the window of the gym, hand on the glass, my heart ached, and my legs begged to be used.
I had a moment in the locker room, unable to control the tears running down my face and the pain in my heart. I sat on the bench and buried my head in my lap. I felt foolish for crying and I was embarrassed by my own emotional outburst that I could not make sense of considering that the week had been going very well and it was turning out to be successful and fruitful. I sat on the bench, shaking my head, massaging my knee, digging my hands in my hips with anger and frustration. It was then, for the first time, I was able to identify truly what injury was like for a personal trainer, for a lover of road running, for a girl whose life felt settled and structured when able to go for a run.
Unable to lace up my running shoes and explore the roads of downtown Austin feels exactly like breaking up with the person you have loved for a long time but knew you just could not be with anymore. To not be able to run when you need to, when you yearn to, when your legs beg to be used feels exactly like the second night after the big breakup, laying alone in your bed, in your house, still being able to smell him on the pillows next to yours. Injury in a joint used in every step you take in a day feels exactly like the first time you realize and fully understand that he is not in your life anymore, that he will not be the first person that you see and that sees you in the morning. That pain, that ache, that loneliness that you cannot shake resides in every vein and cell that you have. And though you know that this too shall pass, it feels like eternity until it does.
Eternity can feel like torture, though you know that it is not and will be able to be overcome with patience and due time. Heartache can be paralyzing, though you know that with time to heal and to make sense of the decision that you have made, you will eventually be able to feel again and go about your day with comfort and ease. That pain, that ache, that loneliness that you cannot shake, that resides in every vein and cell you have will in time dissipate and be replaced with happiness, strength, and fulfillment. However, it's the concept of waiting, of having to be patient and understanding and also intelligent and trusting of your decision that can be infuriating and completely aggravating. It gives you no feeling of comfort, and at your weakest of moments you can feel like it will never go away.
Similar to breaking up with who you thought was the love of your life, injury can leave you self-conscious, sitting deep and low in self-esteem, self-pity, suffocating in endless questions of past training tactics, decisions, and strategies that you once had trusted and now have been failed by. Injury, like a break up, can be the straw that breaks a camel's back, and now daily movement that had seemed to be effortless and innately part of who you are has become a burden, a constant reminder that your joints need a rest and your muscles need rejuvenation.
Like the heart, your body will heal, though in that one moment, hand against the glass, your legs begging to be used, it is your heart that is injured, and it is your body that is bruised, and it is your soul that cannot find comfort in knowing that in time this will be an experience that has tested not only your physical and mental strength, but most importantly your character. For it is your character that ultimately defines your strength, and it is your strength, both physical and mental, that defines your experience. And in the end, without the experience, without the struggles, without the breakups, without the injuries, who are we? Who have we become? And who will we be?
No comments:
Post a Comment