Yesterday when I came home, I could not wait to get my baggy sweat pants on. Today, I could not wait to eat chocolate chip cookies and milk. It's Tuesday, so cookies and milk do not exactly fall into the Clean Eating category that I prescribe to my clients and to myself through out the week. Usually it's the weekend that I indulge. Eat clean for the whole week, work out hard, and then reward myself a few treats on Saturday and Sunday. But today, because I can, I have made Tuesday temporarily the weekend.
I decided that chocolate chip cookies were a better dinner than a salad with chicken. So I slipped into my baggy sweat pants, pored a glass of skim milk, grabbed two cookies from the package, and sat and watched the biggest loser. (Okay, now that sounds kinda funny.) I could give you reasons and excuses for my decision, beginning with telling you that it was just a hard, long day, which would be entirely the truth. [ Ironically, the chapter that I studied today was proper nutrition! Now that's funny.] I could tell you that I missed my friends a lot and definitely my mom, so this made me a bit homesick and emotional and a little weak inside. I could use the excuse that I ran really hard and I deserved to eat whatever I wanted to, and this would be okay too. I could also tell you that some days I just don't care and that cookies were the only thing I craved for dinner, and again, this would be the truth as well.
But here's the real reason.............
The difficulty that I experienced today lies in the experiences and emotions that I am faced with as a trainer. I do not just count reps or demonstrate exercises. I think of all of my clients not only as my students, but also as my friends. I'm not sure if I could help them if I did not consider them as confidants. I have a partnership with each one, a relationship, and sometimes my clients are the ones who help me through the day, whether I am speaking of my dating roes or telling them I just miss home. So within one hour, once a week or twice a week, we are each getting to know each other. This is vitally important to my training formula. Trust is a key element to a successful partnership.
As we do get to know each other, and I become familiar with their thought process, the state of their self-esteem, their relationships with their parents, and how they feel about their bodies as they stand in front of a mirror, I cannot help but become connected and emotionally invested. It's hard to not feel what they are feeling. Empathy is inevitable.
Weight loss is not just about counting calories and repetitions. It's an inside out process. As you shed pounds, you are peeling away deep embedded layers of behaviors and emotions that have locked themselves inside of you. As a trainer, not only am I showing clients how to shed those layers and the excess weight, but I am helping them face the underlying causes of self-esteem break down, emotional eating, depression, and how one copes with the challenges of life. Here in lies the difficulty. Though I feel as though I can relate to most clients and their feelings from day to day, there will be some days that I just don't know what to say or how to respond or even how to continue the conversation.
My parents tell me all of the time that I will not have all the answers and there's only so much that I can do. I understand them. I get it! However, I just wish I could do more.
I am at a very great place in my life where I am confident, full of self-esteem, and internally happy. These feelings may waiver at times, but I am very settled inside. Yet, admittedly, and as most of you have read, it was not always this way. So here in lies why my empathy is immensely personal.
I know when I had pain in my heart sleep was restless. Words were defiant. Behavior was erratic. Confidence was non-existent. It took a long time to change this. So I as get to know the various degrees of struggles from client to client I am reminded of the time line and the necessary process that is involved to change one's personal perspective on one's self. It's not that I get discouraged. Each client has it in them to make a complete change, to be happy, to walk with their head high, and to truly love the reflection in the mirror. The challenge that I face is how do I get them to see their potential, to know their potential, and to use their potential.
Today, there was one moment when I just did not know how to proceed after I heard a young woman speak of her struggles with food. They were deep struggles. Not just those that most of us understand. These struggles were life threatening. I stood there and felt guilty for all of the times that I would look in the mirror and criticize the look of my stomach and thighs. I felt ashamed that I work really hard to shed the last five pounds that sit on my healthy body. I stuttered. I fumbled.
And I was silent. I admire her admittance of the truth, her yearn for help, her understanding of this struggle. I am proud of her courage to take small steps to recover. But I remained quiet for I just truly did not know how to tell this beautiful, smart and infectious girl that she too could feel beautiful and strong and in peace.
So today when I was grocery shopping I remember thinking that this is a favorite thing for me to do every week. I love food. I love to cook. I am not much of a calorie counter. I eat healthy and I definitely am not afraid to indulge. As I walked the aisles, I felt sad that there are millions of young girls who struggle to feed themselves because they feel fat, or ugly, or are in fear of gaining weight.
If you are a woman, you have had these feelings but probably not this severe. As I passed the bakery I searched for the biggest chocolate chip cookies I could find. I have some of the fondest childhood memories of my mother's chocolate chip cookies. Coming home from school, pulling up a chair, pouring the milk, and fighting with my sister over the batter. These memories fill me, and so do the cookies. And on days when I miss her or don't have all of the answers, I pour some milk, break the cookies in half, and completely indulge.
So today, having gone back into the package and grabbing another cookie, I indulge for those who struggle to ..............................
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