Underconstruction......

"Life is full of setbacks. Success is determined by how you handle setbacks."

The first week of physical therapy was daunting. I was in pain. I was frustrated from not being able to do what I love to do without thought of pain. I felt fat. I was angry at myself for not stopping when I first felt the pain...3 months ago. I was in constant struggle with the physical limitations I was now experiencing. I am a trainer and a group instructor who loved to run and jump very high. I was now prescribed PT three days a week, developing a new partnership with my therapist who said to me around our third session, " It's not my job to point out your strengths. It's my job to discover your weaknesses and help you fix them." Were we just talking about my body? As I stood there trying to engage my core and move my body as one unit, rather than separating in two parts, I knew that these injuries were quite timely and that I was not just working to repair my aching muscles. My approach to fitness and to life was now under construction.

Like many people, I am a perfectionist. I hold myself to outstanding expectations. I want to always say and do the right things, and if I do not, then I live in guilt and should have, would have and could haves. Letting go is against my nature. I thought if you held on tighter everything would be okay. As much as my physical therapist said to engage my core and keep my center tight, she stressed I needed to relax and loosen up. The first month of therapy I struggled with acceptance. Accept that I cannot squat and lunge and do push ups? Accept that I am weak in my core? Accept that my quest for a six pack and sculpted deltoids left my body tight and tied up in rock solid knots? Accept that I needed rest and reorganization of my training, class and workout schedule? I spent the first month angry, with tears running down my cheek as I learned to relax my shoulders, engage my core, and take a breath with each movement I attempted to perform.

At the 30 day check up, there was actual tangible progress. The numbers did not lie and even though I still had pain, admittedly it was decreasing. I was given confidence - and a gold star - when my physical therapist handed me a piece of paper that clearly demonstrated improvement, progress, and a plan that was working. That's all I needed.....to feel confident again. To know that it was actually working. We all have to see IT. I can ask my clients do you feel more fit? Do you have more energy? But if you cannot see results, you will not feel like your effort is being rewarded. You will not feel like IT is working.

Leading up to the 60 day check up, I started to actually feel stronger and more athletic, rather than a patient who had an injury and needed therapy. I stopped loathing the core exercises that always got me frustrated because I began to engage my core naturally and the shoulder was beginning to let go of it's tightness and pain. Of course it was I who was letting go....arriving to each session ready and prepared to work hard and embrace the reconstruction. When it was time to measure and tally the numbers triumph revisited my heart and victory was now right at my finger tips.

The other day I walked into my session and my therapist asked, " How are you feeling?" And I said, "You know what, I couldn't wait to tell you that my shoulder did not hurt all week." She smiled, walked away for a second, and then returned with a platinum star. I gave her a hug, she put the star on my shirt, and I began my exercises.

Letting go of expectation is not easy for me. I do not have the magic answer when clients ask me when is the weight going to come off? When will my clothes begin to feel loose? When will my knee get stronger? I have read several books and articles about just taking a breath and letting go and letting the course of life take place on its own. Completely easier said than done! We hold on to feel safe. We squeeze tighter for security. We only know what we feel and we feel the things we think. We ask questions to get an answer. We worry because we are scared that somehow we will feel the way we do forever. As my journey in physical therapy continues the only thing I can tell you is that progress is inevitable if you keep on working hard. Results will not come if you do not do the work. And if you hold on tight all of the time, you will not move forward. You will stay only in that place that you have tied yourself to. Most importantly, reconstruction is necessary for change to occur. You cannot keep on doing the same things expecting a different outcome. Results will not be produced with that approach. Do not be afraid to admit that what you are doing right now is not working. Be under construction! You never know what you will build.