Last week I wore shorts to the gym. This week- and I'm not sure if this is an insecurity by definition - I will accept that I just cannot help everyone. Admittedly this does make me insecure, whether it's in my friendships or with my clients or with my family. Since I was a little girl I have always wanted to help everyone in need. Homeless people on the streets or in the restaurant using their last dollar for a hot cup of coffee would make me feel things I could not understand as a small girl. My father always knew I was different, coming home from school and asking why kids said mean things and why they felt like they could push me around. I never really was concerned with getting picked on, rather more trying to figure out why they did it. Of course it hurt to be called names; however I wanted to know if they were hurting and if that's why they tried to hurt me every day.
In my adult years, I was the waitress who actually cared about the answer to the casual, "How are you." I would take more time with tables than other servers, and when it was time to close out there were some customers who received hugs and a heartfelt thank you. It has always been my nature to be connected to others, to yearn for more than the superficial acquaintances we are so accustomed to now.
As a personal trainer, it is my goal to work outside of the box. I am not just a person who counts reps and sets and calories. I do not make my clients keep food journals. I am not concerned with perfection and absolute action. I focus more on what your body can do and less on what your body looks like. I want to know why a person will not take care of themselves, what they are in fear of, and why others are more important than themselves. Maybe I should have gone into counseling; however I always knew sitting in a chair would drive me crazy. When I coached high school girls I had a special connection with most of the girls: and it was those particular girls who had the deep internal struggles that I affected most.
December is a challenging month. Holiday parties and travel schedules completely disrupt routine. Contemplating ones health at the new year is quite normal, this being a burden for a trainer when a client is not happy with themselves or disappointed in their lack of progress. I am a listener. I feel and see everything. I am filled with this yearn to help and reach out. I don't want anyone to leave the gym and not feel like they were a success. I work so hard at making each client feel special, and yet this month I just haven't been able to make everyone feel good. I am well aware that this is not possible...but for some reason it's effecting me more this time.
Both my sister and a close friend have PTS. I have been loss for words when talking with them. I have no idea how to help, what to say to make it better, or even what to do to silence the uncomfortableness. My mother told me today that I have done everything I can to make it known that I am here for them. I hung up the phone and still felt defeated.
When I came home today I just sat on the couch thinking about my need to fix everything. Then I chuckled and said, "This would make a good blog post." As the new year approaches, I would like to accept more that I just cannot help everyone. I can listen and be there when they need me. There will be some times when I cannot be there and that doesn't mean I'm letting them down nor not being a good friend. This is obviously easier said than done at the moment, wiping the tears away as I write this. The fact of the matter is I am happy and living the life I crave and I want every person I know to feel this way and to enjoy waking up each morning.
My mother said to me that it doesn't make me less of a personal trainer if I don't produce big results. And it was my father who said that if you just affect one person on the team you have been a success. I guess it will be me who understands that not all can be fixed, but a shoulder to lean on is just as good.
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