Who is holding you back

Who is holding you back?


This week I had my first run on the streets of Austin since last May. It was a warm January day. The sun was shining for what seemed to be the first time all winter. I had butterflies in my stomach all morning, anxious I was and excited knowing that I had my new Nikes and it was finally time for me to run again. I have been in fear of beginning the interval training workouts that the PT has prescribed. Fear- what a paralyzing emotion that could keep you standing in the same place for too long. However, it's a natural defense mechanism. I have been injured and going to physical therapy for eight months for both the shoulder and hip. As I laced up my Nikes and applied sunblock, my knees began to shake and I had beads of sweat on my forehead. "Chelsea, it's time. You can do this. Your body is ready. It's time." I stood looking in the mirror staring at myself. I have been so afraid to be injured again that I have skipped prescribed workouts and remained inactive in my classes paralyzed by fear, held back by no one else but myself.


The first run I knew would be the hardest. First, back in May I was running sub 24 minute 5k races. I now get winded walking up the stairs to my apartment. Stop shaking your heads. This is true. I am not in the shape I was when I stopped working out consistently in May. Second, I am a natural sprinter and when I am on the streets of Austin I just want to fly. I love running through traffic and dodging red lights and turning the corners of the city blocks picking up the pace to keep up with the energy of down town. However the goal of the interval workouts is to find my pace and comfort within a reasonable steadiness. Ha! Now that is so not Chelsea. Reasonable steadiness? What the heck is that? I am not very skilled at practicing patience. This is my confession. I have wanted to run, squat, lunge and push up since I first met my PT. She would say all of the time, "You will get there." And I would roll my eyes - though I love this woman - and say really nasty things underneath my breath for I thought this whole take your time thing was foolish and completely unnecessary. Let me tell you now who is the fool......


I put my ball cap on and tied up my new Nikes and walked outside into the sunshine. If you know me, you know I have a sort of an obsession with sneakers; however there is nothing like a new pair of sneaks adorned with the color pink to get me all gooey inside, as well as super motivated to stand on the edge of myself and face my fears head on ready to discover what I truly am capable of. I have a friend who told me the other day you just have to get out the door. After that, you will know what to do. Ha! How true...how relevant...how fantastically rational though isn't that the most difficult step to take? Whether it's running for the first time since May; or getting yourself out of bed to head to the gym early in the morning; or looking at yourself in the mirror to face the awful truth that you need to do something to improve the state of your health and well being, the first step is the most crucial step of the journey that will inevitably determine the direction of your course. Yet, there are many who do not take the first step. Or worse, they take one step and get scared - excuse my language, but this is appropriate- shit-less and then turn back to hide in their comfort zone. However, are we really comfortable. Are we happy living in our fear? Are we not killing ourselves slowly remaining in the same place?





So I am the fool....




Though only intervals - 1 minute running followed by 2 minutes of walking - I RAN! The sun warmed my shoulders. I felt absolutely amazing, like I was reborn... as if I found myself again after this long journey of injury, heartbreak, and surgery. I was FREE. For the first time in 8 months I was a runner again. I felt dignified, for here is the truth. A trainer who cannot workout is like a singer who has loss their voice. Imagine that. I will spare you any further explanation and only say I have not been myself. I have had to adapt and I will give myself a pat on the back for I do believe I have done a pretty good job at putting this all into perspective; however when I get home at night after work I have to just stand STILL and take a long, deep breath. Truth: I have been angry that everyone else gets to workout and I cannot, AND IT'S MY JOB! A bit foolish, yet an honest human reaction caused by internal frustration.




So I ran, interval by interval, and not only did I take the first step but I continued to progress forward, incrementally. When I finished I felt like I was the first person who crossed the finish line. Yes, I did have tears in my eyes. I am so soppy and emotional, yet I honestly felt so victorious. I have feared too long the first steps back and now that was all behind me!





If you believe you can't do something, then you are right. We can talk ourselves out of anything. We can hold ourselves back due to the fear of just taking one step forward. Though the mountain may be high, you will eventually reach the top if you commit to get there and then do the work necessary to ascend the many hurdles of the climb.

Why do we limit ourselves? Self-imposed limits will keep you standing still in the same place...and then you are left alone knowing that it was only you that limited the possibilities of achievement. Are we not worth the first step?


Once you get out of the door, you will know what to do.